Navigating grief in the workplace

My life collapsed in one day when I took my two-year-old daughter Poppy to a doctor’s appointment and ended up packed into an ambulance, moved into a hospital, seeing her taken into emergency surgery and be diagnosed with a brain tumour within 24 hours.

What followed was 10 months of surgeries, chemotherapy, tests and heartbreak, living primarily in hospitals, charity-funded homes and the end-of-life hospice where our gorgeous girl died aged two years, nine months.

Rebuilding every part of your life after an experience and loss like that is tough, terrifying, slow and exhausting. Grief is now part of who I am. Part of my personality. And work plays a huge part in this.

But it is often perceived as a personal thing and so it’s not talked about, with many employers underestimating how many people are affected by bereavement. However, there are things we can all do to help support our colleagues going through this journey.

Ask them about it

This is probably the most obvious one, but it’s also the biggest. And even though it may go against everything you might feel to be natural, please approach their loss head on. Ask them how they are. And then ask again. Ask them about the person they’ve lost. Use their loved one’s name.

If they don’t want to speak about it, they can explain that, but very often the bereaved are tired of pretending they’re not struggling and avoiding talking about a massive thing that has happened to them. It’s not their responsibility to make you feel comfortable around this difficult situation. By opening up a conversation, you can truly make a difference.

It’s also worth remembering that a person’s grieving process doesn’t always start when their loved one has sadly passed away. That feeling of grief can begin when a family member has fallen ill, or they’re watching them battle a long-term illness and seeing them decline—but they don’t get the same acknowledgement, the same sympathy.

They have to carry on, knowing the inevitable is coming. This is definitely something line managers and employers should be thinking about too—no two grief experiences are ever the same.

Understand they’ve lost more than their person

While grief is overwhelmingly about the loss of a loved one, it's rarely recognised that the loss often stretches further than a death. For many this can be accompanied by the loss of financial security, their health, a support network or a future they had planned. For me and my husband, we were no longer parents, suddenly without a child to care for, and surrounded by triggers for our grief. 

I was also astonished at how much I worried about our financial situation. We both stopped working immediately with no knowledge of how long this would be for, which in turn impacted my career too.

In the end, I was away from work for three years, and as someone who is very career-motivated, this was huge. You feel like you can’t talk about these parts as it might be perceived as insensitive, but there are so many implications of grief, and understanding all these different elements is really important.

Give them the benefit of the doubt

Grief is more than feeling sad, more than crying in the toilets or being distracted at work. It can destroy your immune system, create chronic fatigue, manifest as physical pain, digestive problems, increased blood pressure and that’s before we consider the mental toll it takes.

In my case, I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I had seen and experienced things that no parent should ever go through and that saw me begin a long counselling journey to try to recover, a journey that continues today. Try to imagine having that much to cope with and then performing in your job every day as well, so being adaptable and flexible is vital to help them on their road to recovery.

Give them time

There seems to be an odd belief that grief "takes a year." In fact, overwhelmingly grievers say that year two is the hardest because it's when everyone starts expecting them to be "better" and yet they don’t feel any different.

The journey I have been on has been long and painful—beginning in the early days when seemingly simple tasks were impossible, from leaving the house alone, speaking to others or driving a car, to eventually rebuilding my family and returning to my job.

This has taken me five years and will never be finished. I will always feel a sense of panic when asked how many children I have, feel that familiar tightness across my chest on key dates and cry when watching videos of my little monster. Remember this: Nothing magically changes for grievers when the date gets to 12 months.

Let them do it their way

Finally, understand that there is no "right" way to grieve. There is no roadmap and no right or wrong path for your colleagues to follow. Believe it or not, judgement is often passed on the bereaved. You should have time with your family and not worry about work. You should get back into work and forget about it. 

You should take your time. You should move on. Ask what they need, what they want, what would help. Do not presume to know what is best and do not base their experience on those of others you have witnessed. Grief is different for everyone.

Coping is different for everyone. The only thing we share is just how damned hard it is.

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Lucy Hudson is a managing director at McCann Birmingham.