Love in the time of the pitch process

I’ve been married for more than 18 years. I met my husband long before swiping right or ghosting were part of our cultural vocabulary. So, it’s been some time since I’ve really been on the dating scene.

Or has it?

Really, clients and agencies are both constantly looking for love. For the perfect match that’s going to allow them to ride into the sunset together, changing the world, making them both money and possibly famous. There are matchmakers, and online services, and speed networking, and all kinds of ways to meet one another.

And then there is the RFP.

Possibly the worst introduction for a blind date a person could imagine. Not romantic. Not sexy. And definitely one-sided. A big, hairy prenup before you even have the first get to know you drink.

Imagine you were in a bar and someone came up to you and said:

Hi, you're pretty, and smart, and I'd love to spend the rest of my life with you. Unless of course we get divorced, which I, and only I, can instigate with a 60-day warning period.

But before I really decide to marry you I need you to have my baby, maybe more than one. To see if they’re cute, and look like me (even if I don't like them after you carry them in your belly, adjusting your whole lifestyle to make sure they’re healthy and strong). I also want to let you know that I will have full custody of any and all babies whether or not we get married.

If I don't decide to marry you, you might be able to see the child as it grows up - I'll post pictures online, but you won't be able to interact with him/her. You will have no influence at all over the upbringing.

Also, please understand that I will be having a baby (maybe more) with at least four other women (no you cannot know their names or anything about them), just so that I can be sure that I marry the woman (who I can still divorce later, don't forget), who gave me the baby I like best at the moment.

If later, I like one of the other babies better, I can always pay more attention to that one—they all become my babies as soon as any of you birth them, remember. If I do decide you're the one I will marry, and potentially divorce, you will have to take care of all of these babies, even if they’re not your babies. Feed them, change their diapers, take them to the doctor. I'll just play with whoever I want, whenever I want, maybe not even the one we made together. You don’t mind, do you? Actually, I don’t really care. This isn’t about you.

While you're considering my offer of taking the baby we make together and possibly never speaking to you again, please understand that I will also need to know your financial history, who else you may be dating, and a whole bunch of other details. I'll send you a questionnaire to make this easy. I know it's easy because I've dated a lot of other women like this over the years and no one has complained—you should see all the babies I have! 

So whadya say?

Want to make a baby, see if I like you, and maybe get married, but probably not (and even if we do, at some point we'll break up), and I'll keep our baby? As I said, you’re really pretty, and smart, and interesting, and exactly the kind of person I want to have by my side. We’d be perfect together.

Happy Valentine’s Day Advertising!